Stand-up star's surprising plot twist

Adelaide, Canberra, Gold Coast, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Perth, Brighton, Bristol, Birmingham, Manchester, London, Amsterdam, Secunda, Rustenburg, Kempton Park, Cape Town, PE, Vanderbijlpark, Centurion, Fourways, Durban, Windhoek... My global tour started in March this year, and I think I may be the only person in the world who has embarked on such a journey.

From a sold-out show at an iconic comedy club in Amsterdam to Eish!! Restaurant, Secunda. What a ride. But Secunda ended up being such a lekker gig that it reminded me how much I love being back in SA. Good people of Secunda, you can be assured that I will always add you to my touring list.

There's no use in beating around the bush and denying the fact that there's a very negative vibe in our country at the moment. Most people feel that there isn't even a bush to beat around anymore, because the bush has either been burnt down, stolen or swallowed by a pothole. I am, however, the most patriotic I've ever been! Remember in school how the parents with the problem children would always fight for their kids the hardest? It was because they knew their child's potential; what they were truly capable of. "Come on Meneer Labuschagne! Give him another chance! It's just a phase he's going through! He'll get there, I promise!" I'm that tannie.

The truth is that you'll always have to give up something, no matter where you live. In Australia you have safety, from crime, but not the wildlife. The spiders there are the size of my mom's Maltese, Suzie. The South Africans in Oz admit to living in a bit of a nanny state. You can't get away with anything there. Throw a sweet wrapper just left of the dustbin by mistake and you'll have a fine in your post box for littering before it hits the dusty red ground. Of course, being able to get away with almost anything is what got this country into the mess we're in in the first place. But we only get upset about corruption when it suits us. I definitely got out of a sticky situation once or twice as a reckless student who shouldn't have done what he did but did it anyway. And I am willing to bet that some of you people reading this have benefitted from a similar fortuitous bending of the rules. It's not right. It's just Africa.

People in the UK and SA have the same frustration with opposite ends of the same problem. We get frustrated because we look at the loadshedding and potholes and ask, "Where is our tax money going?" People in the UK are equally frustrated because they can see EXACTLY where their tax money is going. I was there during the King's coronation and saw with my very own eyes the golden coaches that Cinderella could only dream of. And don't forget the kak-fancy horses that probably sleep in stables that are bigger than most London flats, where a family of four are living on top of each other. And should they want to buy that shoe box, they'll pay a price that could get you a house in Val de Vie Estate.

I like that we are badass. That we are resilient. How we find ways to deal with whatever life throws at us and have a sense of humour about it. We are the only country in the world where the robots can go out... (Yes, they're robots, because that's what we call them here, okay? The minute you hear me calling them 'traffic lights' is the day you'll know I have finally given up and moved to Namibia.) Let me try that again. We are the only country in the world where the robots can go out because of loadshedding and the guy who was begging at the intersection suddenly pulls on a hi-vis vest, jumps into the middle of the road and starts directing traffic. And everyone trusts him fully and goes with it. That's the kind of thing that puts a smile on my face. That's the reason why I would rather send my son to another school than have to listen to Meneer Labuschagne tell me that he's a problem. And that's why having seen the world, there's no place I'd rather be than here.

I get that people have their own reasons for leaving. I don't have kids, but I can completely see the logic in wanting a life where your child can take the bus to school, or walk around in the city with their friends at night making TikToks and drinking bubble tea. Or whatever the hell it is teenagers do these days. But would you really want your kids to only see granny and grandpa once every two years? Well, some people might emigrate precisely for that reason, actually... I don't know if I will live in South Africa forever. Who knows what the future will bring? But for now, I drive a Suzuki Jimny that tackles the toughest potholes and I get to light candles every night; and the point I'm trying to make is - there is kak everywhere. You either deal with the kak or swap it for some other kak. The choice is yours to decide which kak you're willing to put up with.